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PS: I'm the dick in the sunglasses. My little brother is the cute one with the blonde hair. I've no idea who the other two are. I think they're in Travis now.

Charlie Mingles
xxx

Gay Milk

Here's a typical scene from my life ...

TWO ORDINARY 30-SOMETHING MEN, TOM AND CHARLIE, ARE STANDING IN THE SUPERMARKET ENTRANCE.

TOM: I’ve just got to pop in here for a minute, get a couple of things.

CHARLIE: It’s alright. I’ll come in with you.

THEY ENTER THE SUPERMARKET AND TOM GRABS A HAND BASKET.

TOM GRABS VARIOUS ITEMS OFF THE SHELVES AS THEY WALK ALONG.

CHARLIE: Oh! Actually, I need some milk.

HE POPS SOME MILK INTO TOM’S BASKET.

TOM: (LOOKING AROUND TO SEE IS ANYONE’S WATCHING) What are you doing?

CHARLIE: What?

TOM: Can you not get your own basket?

CHARLIE: It’s just milk. I’ll give you the money.

TOM: It’s not the money. It’s …

CHARLIE: What?

TOM: (WHISPERING) I don’t want your ‘Gay Milk’ in my basket. What are people going to think?

CHARLIE: Don’t be ridiculous.

TOM: Well, come on. Two guys … shopping together … buying milk.

CHARLIE: You’re right. I think I saw it in that Frankie Goes to Hollywood video.

TOM: Alright, alright. Maybe I’m just being paranoid.

CHARLIE: Just a wee bit.

TOM: Sorry. Forget I said anything.

CHARLIE: No problem.

THEY PASS BY THE CD’S.

CHARLIE: Now, what else do I need. (NOTICING) Oh, look! Barbra Streisand’s Greatest Hits.

TOM STORMS OFF.

CHARLIE: What?!

It's Comedy Jim ... But Not as We Know It.

Simon Pegg to be the new Scottie? I don't think so. If you're going to do it, go the whole way and make him properly Scottish. I give you ...

Davie Donaldson, Star Trek Officer

WE ARE ON THE ENGINEERING DECK OF THE USS ENTERPRISE.

DAVIE DONALDSON, A FAT UNSHAVEN ENGINEERING OFFICER STAGGERS IN, HUNG-OVER.

ENGINEERING CHIEF: Donaldson, you’re late.

DONALDSON:(Scottish) I’m not late, sir. (thinking quick) It’s …eh, it’s actually just a temporal shift in the space-time continuum – warping time and so creating the illusion that I’m late.

CHIEF: My God! That’s the third time this week.

DONALDSON: Aye, I’m actually eight hours early. In fact (HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) – that’s me finished for the day, sir. If you’ll excuse me!

HE TURNS TO GO.

CHIEF: I must say Donaldson, ever since you came on board, the number of temporal anomalies has increased greatly. And they all seem to be centred around you.

DONALDSON: Aye, I often have that effect. Something to do with the static charge in my nylon socks. I set off burglar alarms too.

CHIEF: Fascinating.

DONALDSON: Happens all the time, dinnae worry about it. Anyway, I’m off for some kip. Long hard day and all that. (PRODUCES A BOTTLE OF WHISKY AND STARTS SWIGGING FROM IT)

CHIEF: Oh, by the way! (HE HOLDS UP A PAIR OF MANKY Y-FRONTS) I notice you left a pair of your pants to dry over the main engineering consol. That’s against Star Fleet regulations.

DONALDSON: Once again, sir, there must be some temporal anomaly. A misalignment of the tacheon flux capacitors, perhaps.

THE CHIEF LOOKS ROUND AT EVERYONE. THEY LOOK AWAY, SHRUGGING THEIR SHOULDERS.

CHIEF: Ah, yes. Of course.

DONALDSON: An easy mistake to make, sir. Yes, because my pants are actually pressed and folded in the cupboard along with my spare uniform. As a Star Fleet Officer, presentation is all important. (HE WIPES HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE)

CHIEF: I do apologise, Mr Donaldson. I’ll run a level 5 diagnostic immediately.

DONALDSON: Nae bother. Now, if you’ll excuse me sir, I’ll be in my cabin going over some technical data – we’ve got to beat this thing.

CHIEF: You’re a first rate officer, Donaldson.

DONALDSON: And remember, if somebody happens to see me in the bookies on Holodeck 5 – it’s just an illusion. Got it!

HE LEAVES.

CHIEF: Okay, you heard the man. I want all hands on deck. Let’s take this ship apart until we find what’s causing it. There goes one brave officer! A tribute to Star Fleet!

Tales Of Brave Ullysses - #1

I was in Dixons at the weekend, attempting to get served. Ever so slightly exaggerated, but it went something like this ...

AN ORDINARY ELECTRICAL STORE. A QUIET RESPECTABLE MAN IS BROWSING THE COMPUTERS.

MARJORY, AN OVER-EAGER ASSISTANT POPS UP.

MARJORY: Ah! The PZ3. Lovely machine, sir. I’ve got one myself. Excellent choice.

MAN: Oh, no, it’s fine, really. I’m just looking at the moment.

MARJORY: No problem, sir.

THE MAN MOVES ON TO LOOK AT ANOTHER COMPUTER.

MARJORY POPS UP AGAIN.

MARJORY: Ah! Well. The Z33 Alpa. Now this is a marvelous piece of kit, sir. I’ve got this one myself.

MAN: This one too?

MARJORY: Yes, sir. In the kitchen. In case I need to go ‘online’ – as we say in the business, and download one of Delia’s recipes.

MAN: Yes, well, as I said, I’m just looking at the moment but –

MARJORY: I can get one of the lads to help you carry it to the car, sir. It’s no trouble.

MAN: Well, of course, I’m not actually buying anything today, but thank you –

MARJORY: How will you be paying, sir? Cash or credit card? I’d guess you’re more of credit card type of gentleman. Cash is sooo vulgar, isn’t it?

SHE GRABS ONE OF HER MALE COLLEAGUES, DAVIE, A SCRAWNY TEENAGER.

MARJORY: Davie! Could you carry this Z33 Alpha up to the till for the gentleman.

MAN: No. I think there’s been a little bit of a misunderstanding here. I’m not actually purchasing anything today. I’m just browsing.

MARJORY: It’s no trouble, sir. Davie’s a big strong lad. Show him your muscles, Davie.

DAVIE STARTS TO ROLL UP HIS SLEEVE.

MAN: Excuse me! But you’re just not listening to me! I am not purchasing anything today, thank you! I am just browsing!

MARJORY: (FLOUNCING OFF) No need to be like that, sir.

CAPTION: A week later.

WE ARE BACK IN THE SAME SHOP AND THE SAME MAN COMES IN AGAIN.HE GOES UP TO THE COMPUTERS AGAIN AND SEES THE ONE HE WANTS. HE GOES TO ATTRACT THE ATTENTION OF AN ASSISTANT.

MAN: Excuse me!

IT IS MARJORY AGAIN.

MARJORY: Oh! It’s you.

MAN: Oh, hello again. Well, you’ll be pleased to hear I am buying today. The Z33 Alpa. Top of the range.

HE GOES TO GIVE HER HIS CREDIT CARD.

MARJORY: Oh, it’s fine now, isn’t it. Now you’ve decided you want to buy something, I’m supposed to come running like your wee doggie.

SHE DOES A LITTLE EXCITED DOGGIE IMPRESSION.

MARJORY: Oh, pleeeze let me sell you a computer, sir. Pleeeeeze! Well, you had your chance last week. But you wernae interested.

MAN: I didn’t have any money last week.

MARJORY: That old chestnut. How many times have I heard that one. ‘I was only browsing, Marjory!’ ‘How did you get my pin number, Marjory?’ ‘You’ve forged my name on the credit card slip, Marjory’ Oh, I’ve heard them all, sir.

MAN: Well, none the less I am here to buy.

MARJORY: Nope! Not listening.

MAN: But, surely there’s been some –

MARJORY: (FINGERS IN HER EARS, MAKING NOISES SO SHE CANT HEAR) Mmmmmmnnnnnnnn! Na na na na na na na na na! Mmmmmm!

MAN: Come on now. You’re just being silly.

SHE CONTINUES WITH FINGERS IN EARS.

THE MAN WALKS OFF TO FIND ANOTHER ASSISTANT. HE FINDS DAVIE, THE YOUNG GUY.

MAN: Ah! Hello again. Look, I’m really interested in the Z33 Alpa. (HE GOES TO HAND OVER CREDIT CARD) So if you could just –

FROM ACROSS THE SHOP WE HEAR MARJORY SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE.

MARJORY: Don’t you dare, Davie! I’ll have your bollocks on my mantlepiece!

DAVIE SHRUGS A ‘SORRY’ AND RUNS OFF. THE MAN TURNS TO ANOTHER ASSISTANT, BUT BEFORE HE CAN UTTER A WORD MARJORY’S FACE APPEARS ON A WALL OF TV SETS, LIKE SOME OMNIPRESENT DEMONIC GOD.

MARJORY: Don’t you dare!

THE ASSISTANT RUNS OFF AND ALL THE OTHER ASSISTANTS COWER IN FEAR.THE MAN GIVES UP AND LEAVES THE SHOP.

CUT BACK TO MARJORY IN THE COMPUTER SECTION.

A GENTLE OLD LADY IS LOOKING AT A MACHINE.

MARJORY: Ah! The K300. Excellent beast, madam. I’ve got one myself. And how will you be paying?