It's Comedy Jim ... But Not as We Know It.

Simon Pegg to be the new Scottie? I don't think so. If you're going to do it, go the whole way and make him properly Scottish. I give you ...

Davie Donaldson, Star Trek Officer

WE ARE ON THE ENGINEERING DECK OF THE USS ENTERPRISE.

DAVIE DONALDSON, A FAT UNSHAVEN ENGINEERING OFFICER STAGGERS IN, HUNG-OVER.

ENGINEERING CHIEF: Donaldson, you’re late.

DONALDSON:(Scottish) I’m not late, sir. (thinking quick) It’s …eh, it’s actually just a temporal shift in the space-time continuum – warping time and so creating the illusion that I’m late.

CHIEF: My God! That’s the third time this week.

DONALDSON: Aye, I’m actually eight hours early. In fact (HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) – that’s me finished for the day, sir. If you’ll excuse me!

HE TURNS TO GO.

CHIEF: I must say Donaldson, ever since you came on board, the number of temporal anomalies has increased greatly. And they all seem to be centred around you.

DONALDSON: Aye, I often have that effect. Something to do with the static charge in my nylon socks. I set off burglar alarms too.

CHIEF: Fascinating.

DONALDSON: Happens all the time, dinnae worry about it. Anyway, I’m off for some kip. Long hard day and all that. (PRODUCES A BOTTLE OF WHISKY AND STARTS SWIGGING FROM IT)

CHIEF: Oh, by the way! (HE HOLDS UP A PAIR OF MANKY Y-FRONTS) I notice you left a pair of your pants to dry over the main engineering consol. That’s against Star Fleet regulations.

DONALDSON: Once again, sir, there must be some temporal anomaly. A misalignment of the tacheon flux capacitors, perhaps.

THE CHIEF LOOKS ROUND AT EVERYONE. THEY LOOK AWAY, SHRUGGING THEIR SHOULDERS.

CHIEF: Ah, yes. Of course.

DONALDSON: An easy mistake to make, sir. Yes, because my pants are actually pressed and folded in the cupboard along with my spare uniform. As a Star Fleet Officer, presentation is all important. (HE WIPES HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE)

CHIEF: I do apologise, Mr Donaldson. I’ll run a level 5 diagnostic immediately.

DONALDSON: Nae bother. Now, if you’ll excuse me sir, I’ll be in my cabin going over some technical data – we’ve got to beat this thing.

CHIEF: You’re a first rate officer, Donaldson.

DONALDSON: And remember, if somebody happens to see me in the bookies on Holodeck 5 – it’s just an illusion. Got it!

HE LEAVES.

CHIEF: Okay, you heard the man. I want all hands on deck. Let’s take this ship apart until we find what’s causing it. There goes one brave officer! A tribute to Star Fleet!